Friday, September 9, 2011

rebecca's unsent letters to her family of origin

July 13, 2011

Dear Dad,

I think that you have rejected me from birth simply because I am a girl and thus I remind her of your mother who brutalized you practically from the moment of your birth. Your mother made it very clear to you that she rejected you as a son and a human being because you were the result of an unwanted pregnancy and you were so much younger than your older siblings. No matter what you accomplished in life, your mother rejected and condemned you. Your mother hated you from birth and clearly never loved you.
Basically I think inside you are a bruised little boy who has never received any love and affection from his mother. Instead of coming to terms with what your mother did to you, you have taken out your rage on your mother first at your wife, my mother, and then at your oldest child who had the misfortune to be born female. Since your mother bullied you from a young age, I think that you have taken conscious pleasure in bullying me from a young age.

I don’t think you were ever capable of loving me because you never came to terms with how your mother terrorized and brutalized you. Inside you are basically a frightened child who does not feel internally safe and who takes out his rage on the females closest to him.

I am angry at you for not loving me, for rejecting me, for terrorizing me, for treating me like the family punching bag. I am angry at you for spanking me when I was a small child and telling me you were doing it to
me for my benefit. I will never forget the day when I was seven years old and you were angry at me for some forgotten offense. You told me,”I hope one day you will have children just like you.” I knew even at that young age that I would never have children.
I can never forgive you for telling me, “you are not my daughter.” The brutal and intentional ways you hurt me are simply cruel and unforgivable. And also I can never forget the horrendous day that you dropped me off at school and told me to drop dead. How do you think this made me feel? I walked into school in a state of sheer terror, crying hysterically. This happened when I was about 12 or 13 years old, but I remember it as if it were yesterday, dad.
The ways you used to scream at me and terrorize me in middle school and high school are also unforgivable. I remember screaming at you from the top of the stairs and you yelled back at me from the bottom of the stairs, and this was a horrendous memory. How do you think it felt for a frightened teenage girl to spend all day being bullied and terrorized by her peers at school, only to come home to her own father brutalizing her even more severely than her most barbaric peers? How do you think it made me feel to know that my own father was bent on destroying me in body, mind, and soul? How do you expect your daughter to cope with the knowledge that her own father hates her more than anyone else in the entire world?
I am certain that you never loved me because when you love someone, you don’t go out of your way to terrorize and brutalize them in a calculated, planned, and intentional fashion. You don’t try to break a person you love down in mind, body, soul, and spirit. You don’t gain perverse pleasure out of destroying them and making them suffer. I think you are a cruel human being because of the deliberately abusive way you have treated me throughout my life. You are not sick, dad. You are cruel because basically I think you know what you are doing to me and you enjoy hurting me.
You think that you can justify this cruelty toward me because you pay my bills. Well, you know what, the hundreds of thousands of dollars you have spent on private schools and Brown University and all my post-grad expenses can never make up for the way you brutalized me in the emotional realm. I know that you are not capable of loving me because of what your mother did to you, but I wish you had been a father to me and not a brutal tyrant who terrorized me. I wish you had not been the most dangerous, toxic, and cruel person to me in the whole world.
I also find that the way you have brutalized me in the post-grad world has been in some ways even worse and more severe than the ways you brutalized me in high school. I won’t forget the fact that I graduated college without a job and came home, and you terrorized me so severely that I was forced to run away from home to try to take my first job in Boston.
I can never forget the fact that in 2003, you terrorized me at the family Passover seder, and you made me so frightened of you that I didn’t spend another Jewish holiday with you for 8 years. I can also never forget the way that you terrorized me on the cruise in 2008 to celebrate grandma’s 90th birthday. I know that hurting and brutalizing me makes you happier inside than loving me ever could do for you because you attack me so deliberately and so often.
You also stopped paying for both my counselors because they challenged the vicious way you were treating me and because you felt threatened by the way that they began to help me liberate myself from you. Then you stopped paying for my psychiatric medications, which made me feel even further abandoned.
And then when I threatened to run away from home to go to Boston a few months ago after grandma threatened to throw me out of the house, well then you pretended to help me in such a fucking deceptive manner. You promised me that you would buy me an apartment in Florida - and you also treated me with dignity and love and like a daughter rather than as the family punching bag for the first time in my life for around three months. The fact that you were capable of ceasing your abuse and brutality against me for three months and treating me with love, dignity, and respect only proves to me even further that you knew exactly what you were doing when you terrorized me. It makes me realize that you terrorized me because given the fact that I couldn’t work in an office and therefore was not financially self-sufficient, I was so financially dependent on you that I would never find the strength to walk away from you. If you had not known what you were doing to me, if your abusive actions and policies toward me had been unintentional and unconscious, then you would not have been capable of turning your brutality toward me on and off at will in
an attempt to manipulate and control me.
Basically you regarded me as the family punching bag, and you thought the price for financially supporting your unemployed daughter was that you could terrorize her at will for your own pleasure and enjoyment. I also now know that your promise to buy me an apartment was just a ruse and a deception method to lure me to remain with you in Florida. I know that you never had any intent to buy me an apartment because as soon as you thought you had lured me back under your control, all of a sudden you broke your promise to buy me an apartment. You also lied to me in the most blatant fashion possible, claiming you couldn’t afford to buy me an apartment even though somehow you had $600,000 lying around to buy Jason a dental practice and another $175,000 available to buy him an apartment that he would pay you back for.
When you announced you were retiring in a year even though you knew that I would not be self-sufficient in a year, I basically knew that you were abandoning me. You don’t care what happens to me basically. You decided to retire because you knew that Jason was set career wise and you only want him to succeed and not me.
Once I had actually fled from you, then all of a sudden you had mom talking about buying me an apartment
again. I know you have no intention to ever buy me an apartment, and your promises to me are totally worthless. I want no revenge against you for having terrorized me, but I want you out of my life so you can’t hurt me anymore. I am finished with you because you don’t love me, and I don’t love you either. It is impossible to love someone who hates you and gets pleasure out of terrorizing and hurting you.
Thanks to your lifetime campaign of emotional brutality against me, I will never get married and have children. Your brutality has thoroughly destroyed my interest in getting married and raising children, and you frankly don’t deserve grandchildren. You have punished me enough, and I won’t have kids because then I know I would be permanently trapped under your roof with no chance of ever escaping from your brutality. After what you have done to me, I don’t even want to think of how you would brutalize your grandchildren.
I hurt more than words could ever say for what you have done to me. And the saddest part about it, dad, is that you are not even sorry for what you have done to me. You are pathological, and you feel not the slightest amount of remorse for having deliberately terrorized your daughter for her entire life, for 35 long and horrendous years. You feel no regret for what you have done -and in fact I think you are actually proud of what you have done to me. It is profoundly sad to me that some men who committed first degree murder and are serving life sentences with no possibility of parole are more sorry for what they did to their victims than you are for what you did to your own daughter. If even these murderers are capable of some limited degree of remorse for their crimes, why aren’t you?
Dad, I have a hard time understanding why you have been so deliberately cruel to me for so long. I know that you have no feeling in your heart for me at all, no compassion for me whatsoever, or you wouldn’t have done these things to me. I am crying as I write these words to you, Dad. I know that you have enjoyed watching me suffer in the job world because it only confirmed to you that the outside world hated me as much as you did, and therefore it gave you even more reason to justify to yourself your decision to terrorize, brutalize, and reject me.
You can be sure that you are not going to get your victim back because I am not returning to you no matter what happens to me. You have done more than enough deliberate and calculated damage to me. I know you don’t miss me; you are just sad about the loss of your victim, and you are trying to get your female property back so you can punch her some more. I want you out of my life because you are not capable of loving me and because your brutality toward me is so severe and intentional that I could never feel safe in your presence.

Ms. Rebecca Witonsky

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