Friday, September 9, 2011

day 12 of freedom

Day 16 of Freedom
Today is Tuesday, July 12, 2011. Today is also day 16 of freedom for me. Unfortunately we have been without Internet access now for nearly a week, and I am frankly getting sick and tired of not only having no Internet access but also no indication of when the Internet access will be restored. Since I have no easy way to get to Boca, and I am thinking that no one will be able to get me to Boca until next week, I am decided that today I will go to the MetroPCS store and buy myself a phone with Internet access. This way I will finally be able to get Internet access that can’t be cut off arbitrarily again.
Once I have Internet access again, then I can call up Walmart and have my prescription transferred. I can also call up a mental health center and see about setting an appointment with them. And I can also look for work with FIU. I am even thinking that maybe since I have no idea when I can return to Boca to get my stuff, perhaps I should also start reconstructing my resume so I can begin a job search of some kind. I can also follow the news so that I know what is really happening in Syria and Iran and Israel and Africa.
The most exciting development yesterday for me was that I finally found kosher chicken. For nearly two weeks I have been forced to live on tuna fish, eggs, and macaroni and cheese. I found kosher chicken in the supermarket last night when Cheryl took me there, and I was so happy. I also bought my own cooking pan, and of course I will need plastic knives and paper plates as well. I was so excited about finally finding kosher chicken that I was not fully prepared in terms of buying the things needed to eat the kosher chicken, which explains why I forgot about the paper plates and plastic knives.
I have never had to purchase my own food in my entire life from my own funds, so this is a new, scary, unsettling experience for me. I notice that I look at the prices of what I buy now that it is my own money I am spending. I was much more angry at the rotten strawberries that cost me $4 than I would have been before. I truly hate throwing out food too. I have spent around $140 on food so far in the past two weeks, which means I am staying on budget as far as food expenditures go. I had planned to spend up to $400 a month on food, and so I am keeping to budget as well. I buy more food in bulk in order to save money where possible, and I look for specials as well.
I have enjoyed spending time with the children as it allows me to bond with them and to heal from my dad’s horrendous abuse against me. Serenity, 6, was telling me yesterday that her dad used to hit her and also push her on the stairs. That is so horrendous. She asked me why I was so sad, and I told her it was because my daddy was so mean to me. She asked me if this is why I was here, and I said yes. I told her my daddy was very mean to me, and my mommy and grandma were also very mean to me as well. She said she never met her grandma. She asked me if I had ever gotten married, and I said my dad was so mean to me that I have no interest in getting married.
On Saturday night Serenity polished my nails with a little help from Tink, and also yesterday Tink, Serenity, and I did a puzzle together. I am happy to have these kids in my life. I am busier working today than I have been in the past.
I am also decided that I do not want to write letters to my grandmother and mother today because I will find it too painful and debilitating and upsetting. Writing to my dad was unexpectedly painful and drove me to tears, and I am still coming to terms with that loss in my life. I don’t think I am yet prepared to write to my grandmother and mother at this point in time.
The last two days I was waking up way too late at 1 p.m., and so I decided to break this unhealthy habit by setting an alarm for 9:30 a.m. I actually woke up today at 10 a.m. after my best friend Elana called me. I missed her call, but I am awake, and this is what counts. I also wanted to be awake for when Julia arrived here as I was told that she was going to come here at some point this morning. So far I haven’t seen her as she has not gotten here yet, but I am glad to be awake at a normal hour again anyway.
Today I will attempt to study Russian for the first time since my arrival in the house of freedom almost two weeks ago. I will see how that goes.
Yesterday we had to write letters explaining to the outside world why we are grateful to be here, and I said the thing that stood out for me was the spirit of cooperation and mutual support which pervades this house. We adults try to help each other, we share food with one another, we support each other, we talk to one another, we share our problems and concerns, and so it is very nice to be here.
I am feeling a strange and odd sense of homesickness, and I am tempted to call my family of origin. But I am decided not to do this for now because I still need lots of time to heal from what they did to me. And also I don’t want to lash out at them, and nor do I want them to know I have been feeling depressed the past few days since I began to face the depths of my father’s emotional abuse against me. In some ways I know that I could not begin to face the full extent of my father’s emotional abuse against me as long as I remained under his physical control. It was only after I liberated myself from his physical control that I could begin to acknowledge even to myself the full extent of the damage that his deliberate and intentional cruelty inflicted upon me.
I am gaining weight from the lack of exercise these last few days, and that makes me feel unhealthy. I also sometimes throw up in the middle of the night as I did two nights ago because of how emotionally upset that I am feeling. Last night I got hungry in the middle of the night and ended up eating three slices of cheese, and I would definitely say the return of my appetite is a positive sign. I want to walk outdoors in the early evening for exercise - to move my body and also get some fresh air and light and sun. I could really use this.
Each morning I re-affirm my dignity by first of all making my bed and then second of all having breakfast and then third of all taking a bath and fourth of all brushing my teeth and washing my face. All these steps are ways for me to heal from the abuse and at the same time to keep the healthy habits that I learned in my grandma’s house. I am feeling tears in my eyes coming from the sadness of the sudden and overwhelming and drastic total separation from my family of origin.
I was receiving information indicating that one of the wireless networks was connected, but unfortunately we still have no Internet access. I tried once again to get Internet access, but to no avail. The other frustrating aspect of not having my stuff with me is that I have only enough clothes to last me 4-5 days, which means I have to do laundry almost constantly. I did laundry on Wednesday and again on Sunday. I have with me three shirts which are laundry-washable, one shirt that needs hand-washing, two bras, about 4-5 pairs of underwear, two pairs of shorts, one jacket, one set of pajamas, and three or four pairs of socks. This is enough clothes for a few days - but not for weeks at a time.

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